Jar of Hearts

Everytime I hear this song, Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, it reminds me of darryl and how much better I am in who I am as a person and as a woman without him. That spring/summer he left I thought my future was lost and over. I was confused, shattered, destroyed and hopeless about where I would end up in my life and how I would turn out. I look back now, somedays in regret that such a wonderful era of my life of my early 20s will always be associated with him. I lived half alive for a long time and never realized it. I learned a lot from our situation. I was never sure I'd feel ok again. Feel comfortable again. At the time I was scared to say goodbye and now I'm counting the days to close that out of my life and look to my future with my whole heart. While my heart was damaged and had to be pieced back together I've got a great guy in my life that has helped me put those pieces back together and I'm not even sure he knows it. He knows that I feel lucky and special to have him in my life, that I think he is a wonderful and special guy, but I'm not sure he really understands. I want him to. I think most importantly I feel safe with J. Not just physically safe, but mentally and emotionally safe with him. He has not judged me. He's not held me down and made me feel bad for being who I am. My heart has nothing but smiles and love for him. Sometimes I'm fearful that I'm just trying to find in him what I want him to be so I know my heart will be ok. But then I stop and realize that I'm not. He has a senasibility about him that is refreshing. It's not an obnoxious sensability, but one that lends to maturity and wisdom of being practical about everyday life. He has a calming affect that is infectious. I think if I were to ever be in a super agitated mood around him, his natural personality would calm me. And while he says he isn't a confident person, I see a sweet and subtle confidence in him in little things that he does that I find not only humbling but sexy. I want him to see this in himself. I I don't think I've ever been so instantly relaxed around someone. I can remember the feeling I had watching Wall E, on what would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary. All summer long I knew my life was beginning anew and feeling really refreshed, but sitting on his couch with his arm around me, watching what essentially is a love story of robots, the world felt incredibly clear to me. It was just a movie, but something felt really great that night. Sometimes a person just knows and when it feels right, it's right, without force. It's right without ever trying and that is the best kind of right, the best kind of feeling. I love him and know my days are brightened because of him.